Hello! I’m Doctor Charles Israel, taking a few moments out of my busy, busy schedule to give you a few gift ideas for the coming holiday! Whether you’re looking for a gift for your mother, wife, husband, children, or friends, I’ve got gifts that will make this holiday unforgettable!
First off, everyone can use a little extra help around the house. With all the cleaning, cooking, tidying, and assorted chores we all have to do, we all appreciate a couple of extra hands to help, and that’s why I’ve created the Many-Limbed House Beast! This nifty little creature can do the dishes, clean the floors, and cook a five-course meal, all at the same time- and the best part is you’ll never even see it! Thanks to the inclusion of various bits of insect and spider essence, it instinctively stays out of sight, hiding by clinging to the ceiling, scuttling behind the furniture, and standing right behind your shoulder, like it’s doing right… now… No, don’t look, it doesn’t like to be seen. Just count on its many, many limbs (how many? Well, that’s something for the philosophers to debate, I’m a man of science!) to keep your home spotless.
I take no responsibility for any missing pets, neighbors, or small children.
Speaking of children, don’t we all want to see their beatific, smiling little faces light up with joy when they receive their presents? Of course we do. Well, nothing will make your children happier than my new creation, the Wonder Box of Wonder! This small device will keep your children entertained for hours, through careful application of several alchemical substances that induce a dream-like state during which they will experience the most vivid of illusions and sensations, all while their wee, tiny bodies lay still, as if in the sweet, sweet embrace of death. The effects wear off in an hour, usually, and the rate at which it turns children into dream-zombies that shamble about, devouring the thoughts and emotions of those around them to fill the ever-growing hunger within them is practically negligible, so get yours today before they sell out!
Finally, let’s not forget our friends and neighbors- won’t they be thrilled when they open up your gift and find a magnificent hat, or a lovely pair of gloves, waiting for them? They will, especially if these items are made of out my wonderful Self-Regenerating Cloth! With this, scrapes, holes, and even tears are a thing of the past, as they automatically repair themselves from any and all kinds of damage or even daily wear and tear! Though I must warn you not to wear more than three items made from Self-Regenerating Cloth at once- any more than that and they may begin to, err, expand, using your body to weave a full suit or dress of nigh-indestructible and unstoppable clothing which, in laboratory testing, has been shown to then attempt to escape into the night to commit various atrocities. So, keep that in mind this holiday!
Well, I hope you’ve all found some wonderful ideas for presents, and remember, kids: be good, or else, instead of presents, you just might find yourselves being visited, and then summarily dismembered and eaten by, the Krampus! Actually, this might happen even if you’ve been good, Krampus doesn’t really discriminate much, so, best plan is to just lock your doors and be very, very quiet until he passes by. Happy holidays!
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