The Things Beyond the Stars have returned to burden your frail mortal minds with the yoke of horrible knowledge. Your pleas for mercy fall on entities that you cannot understand, just as you cannot understand your own insignificance. Read on and despair.

ARIES

The wisdom behind the old saying “two heads are better than one” will be put to the test when you find that old duffel bag at your door tomorrow. Two guesses what your lucky number is.

TAURUS

The radio playing “Twist and Shout” will add a humorous quality to the demented procedure you didn’t ask to be part of. Taking its lyrics to heart will not help you. Special number 3, but will soon become 1.

GEMINI

Inheriting your family’s home will seem like a dream come true, until you realize the dream is the one where you’re in a never ending hallway that literally takes forever to vacuum, and then there are the doors. So many doors. Lucky number 187 Leaves St, please knock, bell broken!

CANCER

Your morning commute will be ruined when radio hosts Zann Man and Funk play a song that ends the world (before giving updates on traffic conditions!) Be advised that the nightmarish chaos that lies beyond the veil is backed up all the way to the shrieking horrors that you pretend not to hear. Lucky number 11, but you had to be there at 8. Ugh.

LEO

A great weight will be lifted off your shoulders when you’re finally honest with the world about who you are, changing your Tinder profile from “A really nice guy” to “Literally an ax murderer.” Lucky number 17, but who’s gonna be 18?

VIRGO

You’ll finally track down the vampire who turned your friends into bloodthirsty monsters, but when you ask him why he didn’t bite you he’ll get all “it’s not you, it’s me” and omigod it’ll be SO awkward. Lucky number 6, the number of times you’ve texted the vampire without response. (“I don’t get reception in the coffin!” WHATEVER.)

LIBRA

Deep below the surface of the Earth lies another world full of horrifying creatures of myth and legend. That’s the new office branch that you’re being transferred to, so brush up on your Lizard Person and go get ‘em, Tiger! (Note: beware of the dreaded Bone Tigers in the new offices.) Lucky numbers 9-5.

SCORPIO

When a troll on Twitter tells you to delete your account you’ll do so, knowing full well that this will free the All Consuming Shadow Fiend, who will no longer be imprisoned by your 140 character updates about your cat. Lucky number 141.

SAGITTARIUS

Due to bad phone reception, your friend’s advice of “be a man” will be confused with “be a Mantis.” The transformation will be harrowing and against all that is right and sane, but just imagine the look on her face when you show up to the party next weekend. Lucky number… wait, did she say mantis or manatee?

CAPRICORN

The bad news: Your body will develop hundreds of tiny human mouths with gnashing teeth and forked tongues. The good news: they can sing “Love Shack” word for word, even harmonizing and beat boxing a bit, which is fun. Lucky number B52. (Tin Roof!….Rusted.)

AQUARIUS

The road trip to the convention will get tense as a game of “Eye Spy” degenerates into everyone feverishly reading from forbidden tomes to summon things that no one has ever seen or can even imagine. You’ll have a laugh when you all invoke the Chant of Zul’Thantlgh, Mother of Sorrow, at the same time and call the game a tie as you are devoured. Lucky number 19.

PISCES

The line at the grocery store will be infuriating and may ruin your chances to get home in time for Property Brothers,so you must choose: Eliminate items from your cart so you can use the express checkout, or use your Time Machine to stop the births of everyone ahead of you in line. Lucky number 27.

The Things Beyond the Stars have allowed you this brief glimpse into your own uncontrollable future with intentions you cannot fathom. Leave your gibbering lamentations below.

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